“Mommy, lay with me.”
“Can you hold my hand until I fall asleep?”
“One more hug.”
They’re the sweet bedtime murmurs of your little- or the exhausting demands of a child struggling with sleep anxiety.
When children show sleep anxiety at bedtime (and they don’t express it during daytime hours) these manifestations- clinginess, procrastination, “one more…”- may be a sign that your child hasn’t mastered the ability to fall asleep independently. These kiddos don’t want you to leave their room because they can’t fall asleep without you. Your child stays on “high alert” each time you try to go.
Inside your scared sleeper’s body their fears are getting in the way of their sleepiness.
The Equation for Falling Asleep
In an ideal world, your child has just the right combination of factors to fall asleep. They need sleep pressure (tiredness), a circadian rhythm and self-calming skills. A consistent schedule, a dark room and a good bedtime routine are essential, too.
For most kids, a bedtime between 6:30 and 7:30 PM is appropriate until they start school. As you approach 8:00 PM, cortisol (the stress hormone) starts rising. At that point, it takes longer and gets so much harder to fall asleep.
Rewiring Your Child’s Anxious Brain
If your toddler or preschooler exhibits sleep anxiety, consider trying something called “bedtime fading.” Aim for a bedtime that’s at least 30 minutes later than the usual bedtime. It may be challenging, but keep your child awake and distracted until the new bedtime. The idea is to build up sleep pressure while simultaneously minimizing the amount of time to express fear and anxiety. When your kiddo is really, really tired, it may be easier for them to fall asleep independently. Your kiddo gets so tired that there’s no time for creative stalling and endless requests.
If your child falls asleep within 15 minutes, keep that later bedtime for a few more nights. If your child is still awake after 15 minutes, you can keep nudging bedtime later until they can successfully fall asleep in that 15 minute window. Once they can sleep without you, your child learns that they can fall asleep without mom or dad in the room.
After at least three consecutive nights of falling asleep within 15 minutes, you can start getting back to your normal bedtime. Begin to move bedtime earlier by 10-15 minutes each night. As long as your child can fall asleep in 15 minutes, keep moving the bedtime earlier until you reach the age-appropriate bedtime for your little one.
It might take two weeks until you get back to that age appropriate bedtime. Keep the wake time consistent while you’re making bedtime adjustments, regardless of how late bedtime is. When kids have less time for sleep anxiety at bedtime, they build confidence in their ability to fall asleep without mom or dad nearby. Bedtime for everyone becomes a lot less stressful! If it’s not, you know where to find us.
More you might like: Top 5 Reasons Toddlers Have Sleep Issues